Saying Thank You, Letting Go, & Allowing
Musings on the days when I feel sad and depressed and why I gave up needing to know why.
Is naming where this is coming from really going to help? I don't think it will for me right now and that's ok. For someone who has always found safety in categorizing and naming, for the little girl who's favorite books growing up were from a series called "I Wonder Why", and the woman who made a career out of fixing immediate and unpleasant issues....THIS IS A BIG DEAL. I am surrendering to not knowing the answers and not needing to figure out the root cause of everything. No need for my typical pattern; identify, investigate, name, and fix. It has been a winning formula to protect my heart and get myself out of the negative space in the past, but you know what I don't think I need it anymore. For now at least!
So who cares, why does it really matter? What I am working with here is a subtle retraining of my brain, noticing patterns, sitting with it and letting it be. This is subtle, but different than the Identify, Investigate, Name, and Fix. There is a gentleness that comes with the noticing, accepting and allowing, that is a new way for me. I also feel it is a part of a larger shift that is happening. As innovators and light workers we are being called to balance our ying/yang or masculine and feminine energies. The masculine push and relentless drive toward getting something done is just not working for me anymore and I suspect this is the case for many.
I know that I am susceptible to patterns as we all can be, these patterns can serve us but sometimes they can be frustrating and leave us feeling stuck or powerless. There is a tendency to fall into the same way of BEING even though it may not yield results....."WHY?" yells the me who wants to fix me, be better, achieve.. I am being called to relax into it, love it, notice and gently shift.... change that pattern because I love myself, not because I want to be better than I am right now.
So I am not saying that investigating the root of the pain is detrimental for everyone, but sometimes naming and investigating can give it power. For me in this moment it is enough to notice. Hopefully this will allow for the creation of a new neuro-pathway and not the same pattern that says, oh your feeling sad and depressed...What's your problem? Can you ever be satisfied? Why are you sad?.... We must figure this out because it just isn't pleasant to be sad.
As women we are taught that we need something outside of ourselves to make us feel better. I have struggled with this big time. Feeling sad has a lot of times led to searching for something to numb, fix, or alleviate the pain. I would go internal but only to identify what was wrong with me, why I wasn't enough. I must not be pretty enough, healthy enough, sexy enough, likeable enough, noticeable enough, wealthy enough..... Maybe I could FIX IT, FIX ME....with a new shirt, lipstick...numb it with a cupcake, a drink, maybe some more coffee.
What this all really does is mask the moment, the feeling, at least for a little bit. So for today, I will not look outside of me. Instead, I will embrace this feeling, notice, move into it, and THANK the universe for showing me I am ALIVE. No need for tagging, naming, putting myself in a box, interrogation or solutions. No need to blame my family, previous addictions, lack of achievement, or any other facet of myself, past or present for not being enough. I choose to give myself a break, ease up and feel the flow... even if that flow feels like shit right now.I will just feel what comes. Whew!! What a fucking relief. Just feel. WOW, I am FREE. Already I can feel more of the DREAM peaking through in this moment.